In Medias Race

I love people’s stories. The good, bad, beautiful, ugly, funny, sad, and everything in between. I love learning how someone has overcome their personal obstacles to achieve a goal or find a victory somewhere in their life. Whether it is beating cancer and then climbing a mountain or just pushing past boredom to get out of bed and defeat a villain in the video game they are playing, I want to hear it. I want to praise you for it. You woke up to a new day and sometimes that is enough. I love learning these stories through one-on-one conversations, phone calls, texts, emails, books, blogs articles, Facebook posts, Tweets, Instagram stories, song lyrics, art. Basically, if a person’s story can be communicated, I want to know it, and I will find the inspiration in it.

I have recently been on my own journey of rediscovering who I am now, at this stage of my life. I am setting goals I did not previously think were within reach, and I am learning how to live my passion and purpose. I say who I am now because I believe we are always evolving. There have been times in my life when I felt I was so clearly on the right path and confident in my decisions and times when the path has been hazier.  Regardless of how I felt, the paths either come to an end or fork and change in ways I don’t always understand. There are paths I wish I had traveled differently, but I don’t regret venturing down any of them because each path led me here. Now, I find myself in a moment where the path feels blocked. I know there are options before me, but I cannot see clearly where to go. It is disarming, exciting and  a little heartbreaking as I contemplate leaving some ideas or places behind. This project is my record of the external and internal journey I know I am embarking. It is also a way for me to do something I hate to do, which is to be vulnerable and openly talk about myself. I don’t know where I am going or what my next steps are, but I am going through something. I am evolving. 

One of the more obvious changes is in my wellness. When people see me in person (rare these days), this is what they comment on. It makes me a little uncomfortable because there is so much more going on, but they cannot see into my head and heart any more than I can see into theirs. I feel what is happening on the outside is a mirror and linked to what is happening on the inside. I am getting stronger, healthier, leaner, and faster. I am preparing for a marathon. Marathon training has transformed many people, so I know I am not special or unique in this, but each of our journey’s is unique. Mine is mine, and I want to embrace and share it.

In October, I became overwhelmed by depression. I started going on excessively long walks to get out to the house and cry without my children or husband seeing me. When I started, I was just walking and honestly not eating much. I started to lose a little weight and my body started changing. Now this is not a blog about a weight loss journey, but it is a part of the story. Like many women, I have a complicated relationship with my body image. I have been underweight, fit, skinny-fat, pregnant twice, overweight and normal weight. Over the past three years I had maintained my weight, but the two years prior to that, I had put on a lot of weight. I was really out of shape. There are a bazillion reasons for this. Some are good and legitimate, some aren’t so good. Suffice it to say, I work a lot, have a full life, enjoy a well-crafted cocktail , have children, and plenty of stress. In October, what I noticed was that the walks were helping with the depression and improving my health. It seemed obvious that I should seize the opportunity to improve my physical and mental health. I started adding in jogging and running, little by little, and the transformation began. 

Related to all of this is a pipe-dream of mine to complete a marathon. I have run/walked a few 10Ks and 12Ks and had planned (though foolishly) to complete the Memorial Marathon Half Marathon last spring. It was canceled, and I did not participate in the virtual version. In September/ October, I started going on really long walks again and began mixing in jogging. One afternoon in mid-October, I looked over at my husband and said, “I wonder if I could complete the entire marathon next year?” My husband is a realist through and through. He seemed skeptical. He suggested I work towards the half marathon this year and see how it goes. Now before you get outraged at my unsupportive husband, you should know a few other things. I am not much of an athlete. I work too much, and I struggle finding time to work out. So, training to run 26.2 miles is a stretch. In the moment. But, I am not one to do half of anything (not that a half-marathon is not an enormous accomplishment). I love a challenge and pushing myself and challenging other’s perception of me and themselves. In my true, stubborn, fashion I decided to ignore my husband’s advice and go all in. Having a huge goal helps keep me focused. I am approaching being in the best overall health and shape of my life. So already, this wasn’t mistake. I am sure I will feel differently next October from about mile 5 or 6 to the finish line. Until that day, I will continue to show up for myself and this challenge everyday. This blog will keep me accountable to myself. So here I am. I am ready to start this journey