In Medias Race

There is a song by Jenny Owens Young, Fuck Was I. The chorus predictably is “what the fuck was I thinking.” It is about relationships and fooling yourself into thinking you could somehow avoid the inevitable heartache that comes with their eventual end. The chorus has been playing over and over in my mind. “What the fuck was I thinking?” The marathon is 9 days away. I am running a marathon, something that used to seem so far out of reach and out of character. I am beginning to recognize myself again. As we age and life comes at us quickly, it is easy to get swept up and forget or misplace pieces of ourselves. Through this process, I have begun to rediscover those things I had set aside or misplaced over the years of young children, chores, and careers. There is a lot about younger Jennie/Jennifer I am happy to leave behind, but there is more I have loved rediscovering.

A lot has happened since I drafted my last post. I ended up in physical therapy for a few weeks for a weak ankle and weak glutes. (Apparently, I had an ass that did quit.) I ran a virtual 10K last week and PRed my previous 10K race time. I have not broken the hour mark for a 10K, but maybe by this time next year. (Maybe with the help of my new glutes of steel?) My physical therapist has been amazing, but she has me doing full on work outs. I thought PT would be all massages, gentle stretching, some balancing exercises, etc. NOPE. Wednesday, we did wall sits, for fun. I thought preparing for a marathon would put me in the best shape of my life but I have neglected strength and flexibility training. There are only so many hours in a week! I am looking forward to post-marathon training when I can spend more time again on strength and yoga.

The nerves about attempting something so difficult, so publicly, are invading my mind. I have to continuously visualize myself jogging those last few miles from Classen Ave to the finish line. Two weeks ago we ran our peak run of 22 miles. It was going really well until mile 16 or 17. I started to feel off. I could not get enough air, and I had that sensation again of my muscles having nothing left. I had to walk in most of the last four miles. I was furious. I am sure I was a sight to see angrily speed walking down Grand Boulevard at nine in the morning . I may have been crying. I don’t really know why I was mad. I was hungry, tired, and exhausted. I could walk just fine. Nothing hurt, I just couldn’t jog or run for more than a few blocks at a time. I talked it over with my physical therapist the following day and we determined I was not eating enough in general. I continued to be exhausted most of the following week. After a conversation with some others, we figured out I am also not getting nearly enough protein. So, I have upped my protein and calories and tapering my miles. Hopefully it will all be enough to push me through the finish line. The thing is, I could still walk. If I had to walk another 4 miles after the 22, I think I could have, especially with some real food and cool water. I just don’t want to walk the back half of a marathon in the sun and as the course support and crowds dwindle. I hope on race day, I can put this disastrous training run behind me and push through.

As I have previously mentioned, opening up about anything is not one of my strengths. This entire year has been one of the most transformative of my life to date. Training for my first marathon is certainly a part of this change, but it is more of metaphor for everything else . I have some exciting changes on the horizon. I am pushing myself into things I could not have imagined this time last year. Once I am able to say more, I will. If I could leave you with one thing it would be this. If there is something that has always been floating in the back of your head, do it, even if it small or you do it poorly. If I had waited until I was fitter, faster, had more time, etc. I never would have even tried running a marathon. Small changes, like my initial long walks or small stones cast on the water, often have unpredictable and beautiful rippled effects. I am still watching the stone skip. The ripples have only just begun.