In Medias Race

In my professional life, my writing is concise and direct. I only say what needs to be said to communicate my message or argument. I generally don’t want to waste my or the reader’s time. I find that brevity is difficult to achieve in these posts.

Week 2 of half marathon training is going well. I am completing the mileage and following the schedule. Tuesday’s 3 mile run was one of the more difficult ones I have had in a while. I struggled the entire workout, but my pace was where it needed to be even with stopping for the streetcars and traffic lights. I have become one of those people you see jogging in place or up and down a sidewalk waiting for the light to change. I never thought I would be that person.

Getting to this point in the journey has been physically challenging and mentally complicated. I have experienced some frustration in both finding the time cross-train and how best to weight train. I have the Peleton app, and I take yoga classes online, but I really need an in-person instructor to keep me focused and motivated. I get bored and distracted easily, and there is always something else at home pulling my attention. My weight loss has also slowed and I have hit the dreaded plateau, so I decided it was time to consider either going to live classes again, despite the pandemic, or finding a personal trainer or coach to work with. I have never worked with a trainer. I worried I would be judged for being too weak or out of shape, which is ridiculous because that is why many people seek assistance from a professional. Also, I was never willing to spend the money. I realized that my objections were just excuses, and if I am serous about being in the best shape of my life, then I need help. This is when I remembered my friend Chase, who lives in California, had recently offered remote exercise coaching sessions. I have not seen Chase in person in over a decade, but he is one of the best and most fun people I have known. Suddenly, the idea of working with coach sounded so fun and motivating. I could hang out with Chase and work out. Win, win.

(I will sidebar here. Personal training and coaching is expensive! There was definitely a not too distant time when I genuinely could not have afforded it. It wasn’t about “priorities” or simply cutting a few “frivolous” expenses, especially not over-priced smoothies and dresses. I hate when others suggests someone could afford something if they just wanted it badly enough or reprioritized. That is complete bullshit. Sometimes, you just can’t afford something. So, if you are reading this, please know I recognize my current state of financial privilege and that not everyone can afford or has time for extra training, fancy apps, or live classes. It also is not for everyone and many people do NOT need it.)

To prepare for our first training session, Chase sent me a questionnaire. The first question was “What are your fitness goals.” Innocuous enough, and a very reasonable question for a personal trainer to ask. For some reason though, this question brought up a lot of undesired feelings. Yes, I have the right goals you are supposed to have when starting a new fitness program. I want to be active and energetic well into my geriatric years. I am a long way from those, but I know getting in shape will only be harder as I age. I am finally at a place where my children demand less of me and I have learned to set boundaries at work. I can make health and fitness more of a priority. I am changing my habits and lifestyle now, so I can reap the benefits 30, 40, and hopefully 50 years from now. I have reached a place of maturity and focus to consider the long-game rather than the short term benefits of fitting into my favorite cocktail dress for a party. I enjoy the energy and mental well-being gained from exercise and a cleaner diet. I am just in a different place than I was even a year ago.

Laced with all of these goals are the feelings of shame from allowing myself to get so out of shape, and old wounds from being raised in a very weight-obsessed environment. Like many women, I have a very complicated relationship with my body. I spent my teen years and early-mid twenties either underweight or close to it. My thinness was a popular topic of conversation among family and friends. I enjoyed the attention I would get from being thinner than my friends or having my size 0 bridesmaid dress altered down because it was still too big. My senior prom pictures are shocking and upsetting. I hope my daughter is never that thin or unhealthy. Despite my gaunt appearance, my family members would compare my teenage body to what theirs had been. My grandmother, who I adored and was very close to, would constantly ask me about my size and weight. I remember one time, when I was about 24 or 25, she asked me what size I was wearing. When I said a 2 (which was up from the 0s I had been in) she said “really?” with a tone that suggested she didn’t believe me. She also made some comment about clothes being made bigger than they used to be. This is a woman who LOVED me dearly and would never harm me. It was just so ingrained in her and that was passed down to my mother and me. I had a boyfriend who, despite how thin I was, made fun of my jiggly calves and would make comments about how toned I could be if I tried. I still think about the comments these loved ones made way more than I should. These tiny hurts build up over time. Through those years, I wasn’t fit – just underfed because that is how I measured my worth. I did get into better shape while in law school, but I was still focused on weight loss and being thin and not really on having a healthy body or lifestyle. Then I got married, had babies, and began working in office jobs. My weight, without the solid foundation of a healthy lifestyle, became harder to manage. Through my thirties, regardless of my professional and personal accomplishments, I let my confidence and power erode with the numbers on the scale and my dress size.

I understand now that my weight has little to do with my actual fitness and that my body should not affect my confidence or self-worth, but it still does. I have lost over thirty pounds, and I love the compliments a little too much. I am not suggesting that someone should not be proud of their fitness accomplishments, but it shouldn’t define our self-worth. There is a lot of mental deprogramming needed to undo these unhealthy mindsets and negative self-talk. It is a process, and I am working on it everyday. I am constantly forgiving and re-forgiving myself and others. It is also beginning to sink in that when you are focused on weight rather than lifestyle and wellness, fitness is ten times harder. It is impossible to sustain a constant diet or two-hours of cardio a day. When the scale doesn’t move or moves in the wrong direction, it can be deflating and giving up becomes easier than the constant disappointment in not achieving your desired results quickly. These thoughts are not new. You read them in every fitness book and article, but I am regular woman living them and it takes conscious practice to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. On the days I workout for me and to get my endorphins for the day, I actually enjoy myself.

This is a journey and the destination is inner peace and outer strength. When I am having a down day or feel myself obsessing about the number on the scale, getting motivated is so difficult and I am miserable. Fortunately, those bad days are fewer and farther in between. The deprogramming is hard, and it is a choice I have to make daily, but it can be done. You can forgive yourself for the self-shaming and others for the intentional and unintentional hurts that surface over and over again. It is easier said than done, but it can be done. Don’t be hard on yourself; this process is complicated.