In Medias Race

First, a quick stats update – On Sunday, I planned to complete 7 miles. I have gone this distance a few times before, and the weekend before I had gone 10 miles, so I felt confident about the distance. However, I have been having trouble with my left knee and shin. I cannot seem to stretch out the leg or muscles enough. I have done yoga, foam rollers, baths, Advil and anything else that might help. My leg muscles are just incredibly tight. I started limping around mile 5. At that point, my car was about 1.25 miles away. I decided to stop at 6 miles and walk the remaining distance rather than risk an injury by pushing through mile 7. My time was 1:16:46 with an average pace of 12’47/ mile. My goal pace for the May half marathon is 10’30/ mile. My goal for the October marathon is 11’00/ mile. If I continue to get stronger and faster, I believe these are really achievable goals.

In the first post, I left off with the story of my husband suggesting that maybe a full marathon was not the best choice. This was done out of love because he knows how busy I am and training to run a full marathon at my current fitness level is another example of me taking on too much. In this he is right. I constantly take on too much. I can never rest in a goal or accomplishment. As soon as I have conquered one thing, I immediately have to find the next. I am restless and always seeking novelty. It is partly from a natural curiosity. I like to learn and try new things. It feeds my soul. However, if I am honest with myself, I know it is also out of a deep-seated need to gain approval from others. It is hard to find that validation in myself, so I find myself searching for it from others. I have gotten better about this as I have gotten older and more mature. I know (though I am still learning to put this into practice) that you cannot find validation and confidence from others. You will always find yourself wanting more and it is an enormous amount of pressure to place that burden of your self-worth and feelings on those around you. Regardless of all I know, I still do this. But, because I fear disappointing others and fear failure, I tend to stick to goals and ambitions that I know I am good at and can achieve. I am not unique in this. I wonder how many of us are not living our fullest lives because we are limited to what we know we can do rather than risking failure? So while I am restless, I tend to flutter from one thing I am good at to the next, often ignoring some of the passions and goals really tugging on my heart and soul.

I need to do something outside of my comfort zone to prove to myself that I can. I am optimistic. I have a plan, but I know plans go array. What if I get injured or my body just isn’t ready? What if I pass out on the course? All of this and more could happen, and I could fail. That is terrifying, but for the first time in a long time, I am not trying to gain anyone’s approval and I am not afraid of the potential failure. I am doing this for me. I am pushing myself because this is something I never thought I could do. I need this validation and approval from myself.

I will always be restless. There will always be the next project, job, or goal. Who knows what it will be. Whatever it is, I am building the confidence to think bigger and pursue some of my passions that I have been shying away from. I cannot fully explain it now, but I know this marathon and this process is somehow an important part of my journey and story. I know some people may read that and roll their eyes or think this is ridiculous, lots of people run marathons. Some of you though, understand this feeling. This intuition that you need to do a certain thing, even if you don’t fully know why. My intuition is telling me that this next year is going to be a year of significant changes and challenges. I have no idea what they will be, but I can feel them coming. Running a marathon may just be a metaphor for everything I hope to accomplish or the road ahead. This blog is a part of that intuitive feeling that I need to do this. I need to chronicle it because I am very curious where this is all going. Wherever I am going, my restless spirit is ready for it.